Su's second short fiction story

Undeniable Truth

I hear and see you everywhere… I hear you in the back seat of my car, yelling and laughing and screaming and singing. Your voice is always deafening and annoying. It drowns the engine’s sound and turns my favorite songs into meaningless blabbering. I see you at the dining table with your bold head, refusing to eat broccoli but choosing to mess with the forks and spoon instead. I hear your hurry footsteps at the door, excited to tell me your day, no matter how ordinary and mundane it was. I see you on the blank page that I write every day for a living. I see you alone on the balcony, watching the bright stars. Whenever you asked me to join you, I just wanted to say: “Get real! You make me sick!” But I did not. I was too tired to talk every single time.
Why the f**k won’t you leave me alone?
I got away from you. I swear to god that after several nights woken up soaked in sweat I did not dare think about you. If it were not for Ralph, you would have never been born, and I would have never been your father, at least not in my mind.
…
Ralph and his wife, who go to the same church as I, invited me to stay with them last weekend. After some talking, Ralph and I went out to get some chicken for dinner and also to pick up Julia, one of their daughters. As soon as we entered the supermarket, he did not go to the food section but walked along the cashier stands, and stopped after a few minutes searching for something, or someone.
“That is my older daughter Alicia,” he said and pointed at a cashier girl in uniform like others with the ponytail and big round earrings, “She works very hard to keep this job so she won’t talk to us. She doesn’t want the manager to catch her not focusing”. And so we just stare at the girl working for like five minutes until she turned around. The smile she wore on when talking with her customer quickly turned into a frown when she saw us. Alicia continued working, but the smile has disappeared and she would sometimes look at us stealthily, the what-do-you-want-from-me look. As if we could read each other’s mind, Ralph and I stride big steps to get the chicken and get out of there, without saying anything else. When we returned to the car, he let out a deep sigh and said:
“You know, sometimes I just feel like Alicia just don’t like me as her father. I mean, I love the fact that she is devoted to her work and such, but…” He stopped halfway, like he was choking on something. This made me think of you, the one that I spent bottles of tequila to forget[TA1] . I was glad that you were dead, because you would make me suffer like him when you grow up. I would have to endure that sight, and I would most likely teach you how to respect your dad with my fists. You would cry and say that you hate me, that you wish you were never born or have never had a father like me. Thank god I got rid of those pesky annoyances, just simply because you got blood cancer and could not be cured. You became weaker and weaker every day, until you could only lie on your bed, whispering breaths of air to me and your mom…
Ralph disrupted my flow of memories by start calling his wife. The fact that you, my worst fear, fade out of my mind usually make me relief. But when his wife did not answer after two calls, I wished that she had a car accident and died. That would be something dramatic to write about, I giggled at the idea.
We went to pick Julia up at her aunt’s house the next day. Since Ralph’s house is very far from school, Julia has to stay with her aunt for most of the week, and only comes back home for the weekends. While I was admiring the design of the aunt’s house, which is elegant and luxurious like the houses of dukes in the old times, the annoying dogs kept barking relentlessly. So I kicked them to shut them up. And they did, just like the old saying: “only coward dogs will bark loudly”.
“Dad, please! Mary is having a big party at her house, they have wings and pizza and ice cream cake. Can I go?” Julia asked while we were watching TV. Her tone was high and her eyes were opening wide, making them look like two glittering emeralds. She was looking for one answer only.
“Just a little bit dear” Ralph said “I will drive you there at 7 sharp”
“But… But that is like another two hours of doing nothing!”
“Don’t make me change my mind, Julia. I just want you to stay here so we can have some quality time together.” Ralph said, occasionally glancing at me who was pretending to ignore their conversation. The entire family and I then went for a walk. It was nice to enjoy the fresh air once in a while. Only at these moments could I be free from the stifling atmosphere created by the limiting walls of a house. We said nothing to each other, just indulged ourselves in the beautiful scenery. When we have walked about a mile, Julia stopped walking and started to use her boots to splash the water puddle nearby. Ralph and his wife were in front of us, unaware of Julia. I shook my head, knowing exactly what was going to happen next to this family. On the way back to the house, we met Julia standing with one foot, trying to get something out of her boots.
“Julia, if you can get rid of that attitude, you will be much more successful” Ralph said. I was amazed by how calm he was at that moment.
“Sorry that my boots were stuck in the mud” With a slight smile on her face, Julia answer, her eyes fixed on the road ahead “I thought you guys… would come back for me, but you all just kept walking.”
At that moment I couldn’t help but imagine Julia working at the cashier stand, staring at me. It was that same look, same facial expression. Suddenly I was filled by a feeling of pity for all those parents in the world. They embrace and cherish their children, even when the child is not even born. All the love and caring and time were devoted to the baby, only to see the stubborn attitude and ungratefulness when their kids grow up. When we sit down and ponder, we will certainly realize that parents are like saints, their love is limitless and they don’t ask for anything in return. I felt special. I am one of few fathers who could keep his kid’s kisses and hugs, hand-drawn birthday cards, paintings of our family in crayon forever, before all are replaced with moments of awkward and depressing silence.
That day, I arrived to Ralph’s house just on time. Had I been late for just a couple of seconds, Ralph would have had a hard time of getting all the vomit off the road.[TA2]
Today is one of the days that I have a full bottle of tequila waiting for me on the table when I wake up. The heater was left on too high, and the radio was still playing. With the bottle on my hand, I entered the bedroom. Your mom was sleeping soundly, so different from the woman that stayed up every night to take care for you in hospital. I went to your room, which I had locked and prohibited anyone from going in since you died. I smelled your clothes. Every breath I inhale made you become more vivid: your blue eyes, bold head, gaped teeth that you do not hesitate to show when smiling. My shirt was soaked with sweat.
Panting, I rushed back to the kitchen, smashed the bottle against the wall and started gulping water until I could not take in anymore. I wished I could have a “Julia” or “Alicia” to stare and say that she hates me, that she wishes she has never been born. Ralph is just so damn lucky.
Now I’m screwed. Your voice keeps echoing in my head and it would just not stop, your trembling near-to-whisper voice:
“Momma, Papa, don’t worry about me. I’m just going to go to a happy place where people dance and eat and have fun every day, right mom? Just don’t think about me, knowing that I am perfectly safe.”
Yeah right.

[TA1]Lik!!!
[TA2]confusing