“You do not have much confidence, do you?”
“No! What makes you say so?” I tried to laugh it off, but I could not. Something seemed to hold the muscles of my face, preventing it from creating a curve. I knew that if a mirror had appeared in front of me, it would have shown a distorted, awkward smile.
Michael said something more but at that moment my ear just disavowed any sound, and everything I saw became blurry. I ran straight back to my dorm, sat on my wooden chair and began to stare absent-mindedly at the thin air. All my senses stopped working and became null, but inside my head, thousands of questions were coming up. They were so fast that before I had time to answer the first question, the next one appeared. Do people hate me? Am I not a good person?... At that moment, I was in great fear. Fear of being isolated and fear of being alone with no one to talk to…. My mind, like an inexperienced and lost young traveler, drifted slowly along the river of time and memories.
I was born in Vietnam, a country very different from the United States. Not only is the weather and the time the direct opposite, but the common concepts and expectations are different too. We Vietnamese pride ourselves on what school we go to, considering the logo of the school a powerful symbol to measure any person’s intelligence and effort. Whenever parents meet another, it is just a matter of time before this question is brought up in their conversation: “Which school does your son/daughter go to?”
In schools, which are all day schools, the students are defined by the grades they get and so they do everything to get to the top ranks in class. School starts from 7:00 am and ends at 5:00pm, with two fifteen minutes break.
After students have finished school, they do not go home but go straight to the teachers’ home or learning institutions to learn extra classes that teachers open to improve their salary. There, they learn extra knowledge for the courses, tips for exams and receive extra learning documents. Then, the jaded students come back home not allowed to sleep but instead struggle with the prodigious amount of homework and/or studying for tests. Usually, we sleep at twelve o’clock and this becomes one or two o’clock depending on the number of tests we have the next day.
I was lucky to be able defeat a lot of people in order to be a member of the best class of the best middle school in Vietnam.
However, this also put a stressful burden on my shoulders. If I do not ace the high school entrance exam, which also means not getting to a school as equally good as my current school, it will be a shame for me and even for my family. People will laugh and mock at the lazy and arrogant me, who thought he was so good that he did not make effort in studying, and at the family which does not care about the future of their child.
Fortunately, I did not have to endure the public gossip, but everything came with a price. I had to study five extra classes at five different places. I left home at seven o’clock and did not come back until 10 pm. Even now, I could not believe that I had the energy to do that every day, maybe the fear of being teased had given me energy.
However, the real consequence of all this hard studying was that it seems to have devoured a piece of my soul, taken away a vital ability from me, the ability to talk naturally and to socialize with people … Also, I did not realize the power of friendship much, because I really do not have any real friends and never talked to anyone but my family at all. I can live happily with or without them. We are all just classmate, or comrades, nothing else.
Suddenly, I was told to go to Pomfret. The period of time between planning and making that plan come true was shorter than a dream. I woke up and find myself alone in America without family and relatives.
USA in general and Pomfret in particular is like a reversed world of where I used to live. In USA and also Pomfret, people seem to respect the ones who excel in sports more than those who make effort in studying. Whenever people meet each other, they always ask : “What sport do you play”, not “What is your GPA”.
When I tried to bring up the subject of academic, they stared at me as if I was an alien from another planet and just wanted to walk away from me. I also did not know how to make jokes or how to tease people, the fundamental elements to be considered “cool”.
In my cross country team, I was the weakest one so I did not want to talk to anyone. It is better for me to not be known by anyone and be excluded, a person who wanders around and is almost invisible to the others. No one would bother to talk to me, and I accepted this as an approval sign that I should always remain invisible. When it is time for breakfast, lunch or dinner, I always find myself a whole table, enjoying my meal in silence.
At my dorm, I studied day and night, ignoring all the dorm’s entertainment and events. While everyone, even my roommates, was in the common room watching TV and laughing, I was flooded with homework and working quietly in my room.
However, I was happy because they are wasting their time and I was on the road of success in school and to a new future. I comforted myself by trying to keep in mind my “mission” when I came here. I must work hard because, if I do not, the school will cut off my financial aid.
Even with the sufficient financial aid, if I do not try my best in high school and cannot find a scholarship for college, I will become a failure. Not only will I be not able to come back to Vietnam because the education system is so different, I also cannot continue my studying in America, my life will become a bottomless dark hole, with no light of hope and no way out. Therefore, I was happy that I can be in the whole large room by myself, it is wonderful to be alone.
Is it?....
I walk in the school campus every day, seeing people saying hello to each other. I envied the students who can always be recognized by someone and call that person’s name.
Maybe to everyone else, it is a trivial thing but to me, it is like a huge honor. I walked by people too, but nobody said “Hi!” to me, not even a waving hand. They just give me a strange look and then walk pass me, like I was not there or was made of air.
I tried to say “hi” to someone but the word just got stuck in the middle of my throat, like it was being pulled down by a heavy weight. In the cross country team, I just wanted to be involved in their conversations, to laugh at their jokes or even just be the subject of their teasing, as long as they mention my name in their talking, or even nicer, talk to me.
Once a friend came to my table asked me why I was sitting and eating alone and why I did not go to their table. I told him that I did not want to get involved in the troublesome casual conversations, with innumerable unwritten rules about politeness that I have to follow.
However, while I was saying that, something inside me just protest to every word that was coming out of my mouth. That thing wanted me to not say anything, as if I was not being true to myself. When he left my table, I stared at his back until he came out of my sight, continuously begging him to turn back and talk to me more, I was hungry for words, for the pleasant feeling of being able to share your thoughts and your stories with someone as a normal person would do.
The loneliness devoured my life slowly but intensely, turning me into a depressed and stressed out person. It is just too brutal and cruel, making itself more and more vivid while fading all the happy moments I have in life. The temperature was cold at night and warm at daytime but my heart just got too frozen and brittle all the time, as if it can shatter to pieces when harmed, and it did.
Now I remember what Michael said. After I told him how miserable I am, to prove that I am right, I told him to watch me saying hello to another guy, I bet that he would not say “hi” back and just walk away.
To my astonishment, that guy just replied with a warm welcome. I was so stunned that I just paralyzed while his voice resonate in my mind.
“You see, people don’t hate you, they just… don’t know you. Why would they hate you? You are nice like everyone else in this school. Just be nice and talk to them and you will be heard.”
In the process of writing this essay, I subtly realize how true Michael’s words are. People have no reason to not like me or hate me, I did not do anything wrong or harmful to them.
And so I tried to talk to my dorm friends. It was so hard at first but at last I managed to push the words out of my mouth. They were so nice to talk to, and I even have some best friends now. Then I tried to talk to my cross country team, and they also answered, though I have to limit my talking and promise to myself I will try harder in the team in order to gain confidence to talk freely to them.
Now, whenever I meet someone, I always say “Hello” to them and I mostly get a warm reply back. My life became much happier now and I am much more optimistic about life than I was. I now can really understand how much friends and other people mean to me when I am far away from home. I also realize the truth that I have to open myself to other people so that they can know me better.
Therefore, I should not just wait and pray that they will come, but instead be the active person who comes and greets them first.
